thirty days to sanctuary
by plaquette
Summary: “He-he only gave the letter and then went away without further explanation ma’am.” The secretary could swear she saw a flash of uncertainty on the Cagalli’s eyes. :: thirty days to choose everything and anything and evaluated everything... :: AxC
1. Futility

**Thirty days to sanctuary**

**Summary: **thirty days to change everything. Thirty days to seek happiness. Thirty days to sanctuary. Thirty days were limited time Athrun Zala had to reevaluate everything on this world before eternal time embraced him. AC. Set after Destiny

**A/N: **thirty days. Oh well, I hope I could update day by day like how this fic supposedly to do. Thirty days, thirty chapters. I will try to match the progression. Comment, critic, suggestion, as always welcomed!

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**Futility **

He never been this tired before. Muscles were worn out wholly, like it never occurred before. No, it ever became like this. His temple was aching terribly, so awful that he felt the world maneuvering endlessly around him. No use to massage it, however smooth his hand could touch. It was not depending on the treatment he should apply to, because the pain was like embedded there forever.

Oh God, this was killing him slowly. . .

Other than that, still, his hand managed to grope along the office table. Sitting there like beast was poisoned to death, the work he was concentrating on before, forgotten completely. After traced and found nothing, he fishing out the transparent plastic off his breast pocket. Scattered the content on the table, he couldn't help but stare. The evident of the weakness was resting there. It's not its fault to get the unwanted denial-self he mourning over. Its existence which he thought was decent to be blamed.

Gazing that with emptiness hollowing his mind, easily the train of previous events got a hold. Scene by scene replayed over and over, unconsciously shaking his hands. Trembled, he knew by himself, he was afraid. Yes, frightened. Even a brave soldier who bet his life away in two wars also could quiver vigorously.

He leaned back on his big leather chair, trying to ease the sting away, while his hand fisted to a ball. The tremble could not stop… even after the force he applied on his balled palm. Athrun Zala was being so puny right now. That was not even hilarious to start with…

"I don't need this…" with that he swept the round tablets swiftly, cleaning his table away. Some piles of documents were trashed away with the white-blue tablets, as if he didn't look to where he should snap his hands at. Or perhaps that could be true… he didn't care to anything right now.

Because this pain was never end…

He buried his head down, deeply, hands clutching the rich strays of blue tresses. He began to feel his head throbbing even worse, as if his head would rip into two. Table scraping against his head, he knew he was leaning to get a little support for himself. His breath raged a bit, as blowing lungs some air forcefully, hope to make himself calmer. But no; he couldn't become any bit calmer than this. His world was spinning and whatever, everything, anything; almost resembled silhouettes. He even unable to enhance his sight more than this!

"_Mr. Zala, I'm sorry…"_

Gritted his perfect-placed teeth until he felt like it would leap out place, he bore any pain that nested within his chest. Could it possible to not weep as his chest was so crowded and asked to be sliced?

"_The secret about why your body becomes so weak lately has been discovered…"_

He attempted to chuckle lightly, pulling the corners of his lips to smile, even when it aching dreadfully to do so. Put the arm to rest before his eyes, he still sleeping his head on table. And the pain did not disappear…

"_It seems, the last war gave the worst impact to your body…"_

His head was heavy. He could not raise it up. He desired to sleep forever, to die down the twist sensation. The twinge reminded him the condition after his rebellion over ZAFT. And another remembrance struck him. He froze to move momentarily.

"_Luckily you're a Coordinator. If not…"_

He should get himself a cake then. Tomorrow was a special day, he finally remembered. Why he didn't celebrate it? Oh, he should call Kira, Lacus, Dearka, Miriallia, Meyrin, or even Shinn as well. And there were Lunamaria, Captain Murrue Ramus, Andrew Waltfielt, Mu La Fllaga, or Cagalli eve-

Cagalli?

He stopped briefly of thinking, as another smarting swelling over his head but for once, he seemed forget about it.

Yes, Cagalli…. Was she even friend to come over? This moment he realized there was a lost piece of puzzle which made him thought over again. What was her position in his life this moment? Girlfriend, no. Fiancée, more impossible. The least way, friend? No, it's not even friend. Enemy, no. Rival, no. They were in fight? No again

He breathed softly, now carrying his head up and placed it on the head of his leather chair. Cagalli… How much time had rolled over ever since that moment? Without the clear explanation, they parted ways in the end. This war had led them somehow, to a way they never went through before. And became a good representative of ORB she was, she of course chose ORB against himself, again, without any word spoken.

Closed his eyes, letting the never-ending pain to leave him alone which it didn't, he began to feel another pain came over…

Not from his head or any region, but his_ heart…_

There was an irony he started to feel… When he was amidst many people, he sensed a hollow place on his fragile but strong heart. He was born with rationalism brain, lived with a strict upbringing, matured to obey all commands and demands.

But after his commander was not even there, with what he would live? Years after the first war he wondered in silence. He was born to become a good soldier, wasn't he? Fortunately Cagalli still needed his service as bodyguard there. He could live to obey commands again. In Minerva, still there people to demand him bunch of appointments he should finish.

But now? It hollowed him more than anything… He was a General after all… What more tasks he should finish? He always became a subordinate, even though his father was a chairman. Now, it was his tasks to demand people, not to complete it.

How boring it was… As a man who became a soldier which had burden on his shoulder, of course this was not right…

He still struggled with those thoughts. The more grief facts were perhaps Cagalli was not there. She didn't need his service anymore… His duty right now was for protecting ORB, not a Cagalli Yula Attha anymore. Was that even what he wanted, for now?

"Cagalli… Do we can laugh together, now?"

He chuckled, attempting to escape a cage that trapped him on fetter of anguish. His arm came to wrap his eyes, prevented moonlight gleam to pour over him. Without he could realize, the laughter turned over against what he was expecting…

A lone tear trickling his cheeks line. And he couldn't stop… He couldn't stop to chuckle, how much it pained him to do so.

"I'm mourning over myself, how pathetic…" he mumbled gently between his own chuckles that gradually softened and softened until he heard his own wails clattered throughout the dark room.

Days like this, were the days where he wished he could spend in comfortable stillness. Doing his own works, as a General also didn't mattered much for him. He could not go against fate after all. Then, sat in the sofa and smiled complacently, then wandering around to seek some relaxation, then thinking about what future would be…

Yes, what future would be?

Laid his head there, he knew that there were no days like this anymore… No days for him. Instead, solely thirty days. Thirty days because some failures that connected indirectly towards his present right now…

Was he ever regretted his existence as a soldier after all?

"Thank you for the gift, it… it really impressed me… a lot." he mumbled again, as the very words rang vividly through his eardrums. Tomorrow was probably the best birthday he ever got, or probably the worst.. He unable conclude more than this..

This night, he would let himself to mourn and wail over his life. Tomorrow, he would forget it like it even not there from the beginning. He could not cry something over and over. He still had _thirty days_ to be treasured. Thirty days to pretend like he didn't have problems in the world. And probably, to get a clearer information about how his relationship with Cagalli. Thirty days… Still a long time, right? But a day had lost… The sand glass had count downed, yet he still didn't do anything yet…

"…_surely you have died…"_

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**A/N: Uhh, I have tried to make it more suspense, more angst, more drama, more ugh, more everything!! But my mind just doesn't even there, when I demand myself to do all of this. I must rewrite anything over from first again if I have time. Oh, slowly the doctor sentences will be revealed and you will know the more reason why Athrun 'can' only 'lived' thirty days. Even though I have known this is the worst from what I probably have written, please review! The next will be about Cagalli and perhaps they will meet. Thank you for reading! Jaa!**


	2. Blenching

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Gundam SEED Destiny

**A/N: **It was written in my first language, and then translated over english. Hope it would take a bit difference? And as always, comment, critic, suggestion, welcomed wholeheartedly!

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**Blenching**

And the glorious ray of proud sun ruled over the dawn, in the silvery spark of the dazzling blitz that starting day. Its impact came to wake a girl up, whom from then incapable to resume slumber. Her amber eyes were misty, due to fatigue, its sheen reflecting dew that nested on corner of eyelids. She was truly still sleepy…

Laid on the pulpous bed, that huge and broad, gigantic and extensive like sea of feather, she wanted to close eyes once more. Chore as representative never came to fit against her -- even after she sacrificed herself to accept this sanctified duty. There were so many reasons to her stubborn -- clutch this mandate until end. Because she knew this was the only way to stop her people' sufferings; those many citizens who united within ORB.

ORB was her life milestone. Something that would she gave priority the most, more than anything. ORB was her soul mate. Nation that she would mourn over until blood tears were shed if it was crushed. ORB was emblem of her pride. Proof of this homeland existed because hard work, enthusiasm, and held on firmly to life dictum.

But she also knew there was an instant where ORB wasn't her pole of life, splinter of spirit, or dignity adage. There was an instant when she realized that whole thing felt as if insensible; in the moment she distinguished single taste that conquered everything. Love. Yes. Love.

Love was something that corroborated her more than ORB capable. If ORB no longer afforded to be her pole of life, then love was able to be her substructure life. If ORB no longer competent to be her splinter of spirit, then love became a fraction that fused onto her heart. If ORB no longer able to be her dignity adage, then love was abiding chain of metaphor.

But, in practice, the entire beautiful piece merely pretty utterance of mouth

Cagalli Yula Attha was not even care. Advanced one person than million persons certainly was not a wise decision. She knew how much bitter misery and enduring those people must guarantee. And they would not strong enough to see with head, own eyes that the leader they favored so much betrayed what that became their faith; what they within this period desired. Even though a neutral nation was what their idealism, but provoked fire amidst fat of course was not what she wanted. As a leader who grew, and matured to loving, she knew too well.

There was an instant that even love was no better than ORB

_And she chose ORB…_

* * *

As soon as woke off bed, he had hastily gone to bathroom, his hand pounced towel and toothbrush. Not even came to his mind to tidy up the bed first, he had incited himself with many kind of preparation for this morning. No, he didn't too much attract to his birthday celebration. Even though that was once in year, he never remembered if he celebrated it with full joy and gleam.

Able to pray serenely and presented request in stillness seemed to be enough…

Was an excessive luxurious when a soldier demanded himself to be beatific. Because right on the moment he uttered out loud he was willing to subjugate his life for nation, he had decided to let his happiness. And he lived with this way until now although not entirely he was military person right now…

A general, who just had a duty to attend report papers and work was not a genuine soldier, wasn't he?

But today was different. Special, if not usual. This was a day where Athrun Zala would start his new life. He had begun to count down the million seconds that pulsated like time bomb… Time fart that would release his life foundation and he would forget as what the life that before he ever gone through. Forgot he had a name of Athrun Zala… Forgot his father was a Chairman that he ever betrayed once… Forgot if he ever disputed at death's door against his best friend.

And maybe thing that hurt the most, forgot he ever fallen in love once with a blonde who had became adult, more than him -- perhaps

That girl, had dared herself to take a gigantic verdict for protected her nation, even though she must choking out behind all glory fame of ORB stage. But he knew, her name was not Cagalli Yula Attha if not doing that thing. She was famous because she was a sturdy princess; sturdy in war and everything. But the most valuable thing was, because a simplicity that the only ORB princess possessed. The simplicity that precisely polished herself to be more beautiful than antique porcelain and the smoothest among anything.

That was why he probably would feel miserable if his fall in love emotion vanished. Simply, for accepted the loss would be more excruciating than the feel of loss itself. Even though he knew in the end he even would not know he had lost something…

How ironic that was, wasn't it?

This month, he doubted he could live like how supposedly the way he lived. To live the common person life was perhaps the way that he was going to do. Thus to make everything seemed to be so appealing and extraordinary upon the eyes of a man who almost had nothing like himself, he had prepared a letter neatly folded sprawled on his computer table.

"Happy birthday, Athrun Zala…" he whispered towards himself, as the cold temperature wind hushing softly, swaying his locks to midair.

He suddenly found his eyes' way to a long mirror, his brittle reflection glued tightly. There it was, capturing a man form, with its more mature appearance.

_His hair…_

The bluish tresses grown longer than what he remembered

_His jaw…_

The tight jaw that only he possessed now formed more built

_His eyes…_

Beautiful emerald orbs shaded darker than it should be. Not to mention the black circle figured vividly. Its beauty had thrown into microscopic. Withered color now seemed appealing. Appealing because he didn't know the true color it ever had before

And the most of all, he just now realized him really tall –his tallness almost rivaling the mirror itself. He never compared his height to anyone, even Kira at once.

Speaking of Kira, he suddenly had an idea, what he must do for today. What he must do in his celebration. He was a birthday boy after all.

He smiled simply, shaking head and then continued the activity he was doing from then.

* * *

Whispers accompanied the lioness of ORB, Cagalli Yula Attha as she was walking along the corridor of her office. She still felt her muscles wrenching out, as it was painful to use for walk even. How could she isn't tired when she must sleep in the late hours and wake up earlier than anybody?

The silent whispers rummaging even more as the gossiping people passed by Cagalli. She felt slight strange as the people sent stares at her. Not that she knew what kind of stares that was. She paced up her walk as the stares started to hurt her back. They stabbed her with look. Now she began to wondering why the people' stares felt so excruciating on her.

She sighed softly, her hand twisting the doorknob. Soon came into her view, her secretary was hurrying to escape the room. And it resembled her motion.

Seconds after she almost found her secretary collided her. Cagalli as usual didn't pay mind, contrary with her secretary who immediately bowing in guilty.

Cagalli snorted

Why people served her too much like princess? There was not a princess who attended political issues and riding mobile suits anyway. There was not a princess who wearing military attire on her outfit.

And of course she was not one of them. The typical princess who so weak and only could crying.

"You went into my room, earlier. What's the matter?"

The secretary instantly raised her head, her stomach filled with many sort of butterflies in various shapes.

"You got a letter, ma'am." The secretary nervously replied. She often got this syndrome, fidgeting in front of important people who she adored so much

"Letter?" not even facing her secretary, she made her way deeper into the room, following in suit by the secretary who in silent wobbly walking.

"It's not a good new anyway, ma'am.." the secretary clandestinely whispered

Cagalli however, had unexplainable feeling as the secretary had thin face that she wondered if something was not right. Definitely was not right. From the way the slender secretary acted, eyes rolling back and forth, and the desire to tell herself something, a bad feeling penetrated deep into Cagalli's feelings.

She even could feel her hands clashed against the well furnished table

"So, you could tell me." Her brows frowned unconsciously

The secretary took a deep breath, "We have lost a good soldier ma'am."

"Soldier?" her thoughts started to travel around. The loss couldn't be caused of war since the war itself already ceased its fire some moments ago. Then?

"I.. I could not explain more ma'am. Maybe if you read the letter by yourself then you could understand things more."

Soon, she found her hands gripped tightly on the letter. Then sometime more her eyes scanned word by word. Then the seconds next her hands slammed with full force against the table, so loud that it made the secretary cringed and jumped in fright.

"What is this?" she couldn't disguise her anger on the harsh words

"General Athrun Zala quitted from military ma'am.." the secretary managed her voice to out in smooth and balance

"I know that! But he didn't write anything more to explain where he would go to, or at least gave us the clearer reason why he quitted! I couldn't accept this!"

Saliva running the secretary' throat, "He definitely didn't write the reason there," she said quietly, "But he said he wanted to attend his belongings there. I don't know for what reason he suddenly wanted to attend his belongings, but he also said he would live there so he stopped to work here as General ma'am."

"Li..Live there?" Cagalli's voice cracked out, "How.. he could go without reasons? I.. I couldn't allow him to go!"

"But he had quitted ma'am-"

"Did him say something more?" her amber eyes widened in anticipation, her voice cutting the other one

"He-he only gave the letter and then went away without further explanation ma'am." The secretary could swear she saw a flash of uncertainty on the Cagalli's eyes. She certainly didn't know anything about Cagalli past relationship. But she could see anything more on her amber eyes.

Cagalli upset

And she didn't know why. Such miracle she would know the truth behind all glory that ORB had right now.

"Are… you alright, ma'am?"

"I am."

Her mouth shaking non-stop. Really unstoppable. She wondered why.

_And she chose ORB…_

_But perhaps right now she started to learn her choice could be wrong…_

_No matter how much desire she needed to deny it…_

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**A/N: **Don't have any mood to polish or make the mood needs any bit. Please forgive me for this –my work will be twice larger because I must editing the first part, then it's second part as well. Ugh.


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